lifeillusion

I am back. I got sent to a recovery unit. It sucked so much. Thought I could get a little better, oh no. Did not happen. I think it is worse now. I just want to work out and lose the weight they forced me to gain.
I mean, does anyone else think this is a retarded society that basically has centers for skinny people to learn "how to love themselves" and to "eat properly," but yet nothing similar for obese people? Sure they have the surgery option and places where they pay for certain foods to help them get skinny, but nothing that imprisons them to get to a certain weight. This is just stupid. There are so many MORE health repercussions having your body obese them being underweight. Hell, we came from a hunting gathering society. It is normal. Look at 3rd world countries, it is still prevalent there. So why the hell when I CHOOSE to eat (or don't eat) a certain way, people shit a brick???
Just let everyone live their own damn lives the way they want. I am not hurting anyone, and to me, being fat is a far worse burden on society then being skinny. You don't hear of underweight people having the high cost treatment for diabetes, hypertension, heart problems, GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY, etc. What losers. These assholes just need to tell the fatties to PUT THE FORK DOWN AND CLOSE THEIR DAMN MOUTHS. That is what I tell myself and it works.
I hate society and the way standards are fucked up.

I got through finals okay, so now I am just waiting for the grades.
Also, I am upgrading my membership to Bally's Gym so I can work out more.

I have lost weight now, no longer in a slump. I had read in other people's journals that mega green tea works great. Well, I read up on it and finally bought some and have been taking it for the past week and a half. It does work great! I was amazed, I have dropped about 3 pounds in the past week and a half! I am so happy for that because I thought when I had binged and the stress I was under caused me to gain so much weight. Turns out that was just water weight and then I actually lost more! I need to be 110 by Aug 10th. That is my goal. I can't wait to see what the end of the month brings!

Other then that, it has just been so boring around here. I want to travel but summer school is making me nuts. I talked to my brother and he is coming to see me at the end of this month...so are my parents. They haven't seen me for almost 6 months and I have changed a lot. This irritates me because now I will have to have food in my house so they don't think there is a problem.

Oh well, I am 21 now...what are they going to do? Ground me? Haha. I can survive this, I can go without food the week before they come because I know they will make me eat something while they are here...that will make up for it. I will also spend an hour longer at the gym everyday they are here and tell them I was tanning or shopping.
So I have a plan for now, I might modify it slightly before they come just in case...like have no meat, sugar, bread etc. Tell them I am vegetarian and the doctor said I had food allergies??? That might work as well, I will read up on those possible cases and use them as a fall-back plan.

Taa Taa!
~Krissy

Finals are among me now. I only have two, the rest is just lab work. Blah.
I did some gardening today and sweat like a pig. So gross, but I am sure I burned calories! Yay for that!

Last night I went over to my boyfriend's house and his mom had made dinner, so I had to eat a little bit of pasta and bread...but I mainly stuck to the salad and moved stuff around on my plate. I was able to get away with it because he has a little brother and I was making him balloon animals/swords.

I saw this E! true hollywood story about Tracy Gold on the show Growing Pains. I remember watching that when I was younger and she was so pretty when she was skinny, still is now but she is still thin!*sigh* Soon...I keep telling myself.

Well, I had 16 animal crackers today and a piece of licorice. I am debating what to make for dinner since my BF will be here...hmmm, oatmeal??? Sounds good! :)

Taa taa until Later!
-Krissy

I haven't written in awhile, I have been too depressed. I am wondering if my anxiety medication is not working as well anymore...maybe I am building an immunity to it or something. I have been doubling the dose to see if that is the problem.
I really hate guys. I mean, I love my boyfriend a lot, but I have friends that are mostly guys. One in particular likes to point out things that make me self conscious. The other day we were in Walmart (yes, I know, GHETTO) and he's like: "Haha, have you ever noticed how girls look you up and down and glare at you?"
and I haven't. But after he told me that, I started noticing it happening...now I am paranoid...are they staring at me because I am fat? Or because I possibly look good? I don't know, but it makes me self conscious. I wish he hadn't told me that.
Then, yesterday we went to the mall and I was so hungry. I am about to start my period and so I am craving something sweet so bad. I have lost 20+ lbs in over a month by not eating/working out A LOT. He has noticed a huge difference in me and so when I asked my other guy friend if I bought a cookie and took a little bite of it would he eat the rest? To "share" it with me so I didn't feel bad or draw attention to the fact I would throw it away. Then my first friend was like: "No, don't do it. You have done so well..." and actually made me feel GUILTY about wanting a BITE of a cookie...HE LECTURED ME. So I felt even worse.
I guess I shouldn't have eaten it anyway. But the point is he made me feel bad about it. I think we all have to give in sometimes (as much as we hate it) so not to deprive ourselves of anything good that we had in the past. But Geez, for him to say that to me made me feel like I was 200 pounds or something...it really hurt my feelings and I have dwelled on it for the past day.
I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess it reminds me of my dad harping on my mom about how she was "Fat" at 5'7 and 115 pounds. I don't understand guys sometimes and I don't think I want to at this point.
I wish I could just not eat ever again and be skinny again. I miss my old self. But I keep reminding myself I am getting close, very close. Just a little more...
-Krissy

I am such as fatass. I was doing so well for the last 3 weeks, only around 400 calories a day. Then, I get home from school today and just eat and eat and eat...I could not stop. The whole time I was thinking, I was doing so well...why am I doing this? But I still stuffed food in my mouth. I feel so gross. I think I ate around 600-700 calories during this binge.
I hate myself right now. I don't understand why I have to be this way...I now am going to have to work out twice as much tonight and I needed to write a paper...guess I will be up to the wee hours of the morning again...
I am so pissed at myself.

I have to go see a performance at school tonight. I really do not want to go. I just want to stay home and take a nap, but I know if I miss this people will be calling me and harassing me. So it is easier to go then to try to come up with an excuse.
I had a chili's "guiltless black bean burger" today without the bun and without the guiltless part. I had a lot of guilt about it. But I could not avoid eating it due to my friends. Blah. I wish I could find other people near me who had similar eating patterns. I don't even know how to go about talking about food issues with my friends, I prefer to keep it to myself.
I can not wait until this semester is over! I keep telling myself it is only like 3-4 weeks left, but it feels like forever!

Today was a good day. I have only eaten 420 calories. Lots of fiber and vitamins, so overall it was a very good day. I plan on having a 10 calorie cup of jello later on in the evening when my boyfriend gets here.
*Sigh*
I just went to the community college to sign up for summer courses that can transfer to the University in the Fall. This is my first time not going to the University, it makes me anxious. I don't really know what to expect. I am really shy and it scares me that I will have to make friends with new people. I do not know a single person who will be taking physics or chem over the summer. I hope it works out.

I think I will take a short walk now, while it is cool and bright out. I will try to post again later.

~K

So I have decided to go back to my old ways. I glanced at photos a couple weeks ago and realized I have a major problem. I am FAT. How did this happen? I have been the same size since I was 12. (I am 21 now) What happened to me???
Because of this, two and a half weeks ago I just stopped everything bad I was doing to my body. Eating the wrong foods, not exercising, not sleeping enough, etc. All that stopped. I began a new life.
This new "life" consists of not eating as much, working out, and just overall more focus on myself. For the longest time, I have always been worried about other people. I was always more concerned about other's feelings then my own. I am not saying I have no empathy now, but I definitely understand I cannot push myself aside any longer.
I have to do for myself what others can't and that is accept myself. I do not feel good about myself in many ways. It ranges from the way I look to the life I am aiming for.
I just know that I have lost weight in the last two weeks and I feel great about that. Absolutely fantastic! I can see light at the end of my tunnel. Finally.

So, if I can just keep it up, I know I will be happier. I will be back to my old self again. I look forward to it.